Little Zoe

This picture is from Wednesday when I first met Zoe, my sister is holding her. I was trying so hard to hold it together. But look at that sweet little angel. 

Life can be really confusing

When we found out that we were pregnant we also found out my sister was four months pregnant. But she was informed that her baby, a girl, had a hole in her heart. We knew that she was going to need heart surgery after she was born but we weren't sure when and the extent of the problems. 

Zoe was born on Saturday. She stopped breathing a couple times but was stable in the NICU by Saturday afternoon. Dr's weren't sure why she stopped breathing and didn't think it was related to the heart condition. Zoe got better over the weekend and into Monday. Then on Tuesday we were given the biggest blow....... Zoe has Trisomy 18.  If you don't know much about it you can click on that link. Basically it's an extra chromosome. Much like Trisomy 21 (which is also known as Down Syndrome) but it's fatal. Couple days, maybe a couple months.

Today I met my niece Zoe. They let her leave the NICU because at this point she is off most machines. This way we can all be with her whenever we want. She has her own room on the children's floor. There are beds in the rooms for parents to stay. My dad, brother and the three oldest kids (high school age) got to hospital and we went to the family lounge with my mom. Greg (brother in law) brought in the little boys - Ethan and Aidan (4 and 3) and we waited. My sister got Greg to show him Zoe in her new room. Then they kinda took us in groups to see Zoe. I went in with my mom and Aidan and Ethan came running out of the room yelling,  "Auntie Tracey come see baby Zoe!" My sister was rocking Zoe. Aidan and Ethan were so excited to see their little sister. They were touching her and hugging her and kissing her. I lost it. I felt sick. I stayed in there for a bit, held her hand and I just couldn't keep it together so I left. I went back to the lounge and sobbed hysterically with my dad and brother. 

Everyone left to take kids to work etc. So I packed up my bag and went back into the room and sat with my sister and Zoe. My sister just rocked her and kissed her and rocked her more. We talked a bit. I helped her get settled in her room. I stayed until 6:00. Jaime and I are going to go tomorrow afternoon and bring dinner for my sis. 

The hospital said they can stay there as long as they need. They had to discuss with doctors if they want to treat infections, be put on life support etc. 

Jenny is doing good. I don't like using the word good, how can anyone be good? But she is being real strong. She just wants things as normal as they can be for her. Greg just keeps saying, we are living in today. We can't live knowing she is going to die. We have to love her and make her happy. 

She is beautiful. She is so small. She is long and skinny. She opens her eyes when she hears other people. She does have a loud cry. I just can't believe she is going to die. It just doesn't make any sense in my head. I just have to keep telling myself that she is going to a much better peaceful place and we will all be with her again in heaven. She gets to meet Jesus before any of us. 

Here is my brother in law's blog if you would like to see pictures of Zoe.

http://www.batiansila.blogspot.com/

I have two little humans inside of me!

The babies are kicking a lot. It is the most amazing thing I have ever felt. I can't even describe how our outlook on life has changed, and the babies are not even here yet.

My husband I watched Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Tuesday night. Detective Stabler's wife was pregnant and she was in a car accident with Oliva (Stabler's partner). She was trapped in the car, in and out of consciousness and her water broke. The next 10 minutes the show focused on the emergency personnel cutting her out of the car while Oliva stabilized her neck, gave her an IV and kept her calm and awake. The baby was coming, that's all she could keep saying. During those 10 minutes my husband and I had tears running down our face. I know it's only a TV show but all I could do was think about that baby and then my babies. I just held my stomach as my little ones were kicking each other. It made us realize how much these babies are going to depend on us, or I should say, already depend on us. It’s exciting and very scary at the same time. It also made us realize how much we love the twins and they aren’t even born yet.

I love it when the twins move around and kick me or kick each other. I stop what I am doing and rub my stomach and talk to them.  I get so distracted by their movements. Then I realize how much they need me and it’s the most amazing feeling. What a miracle that I have two little babies growing inside me. 

Do you have a pet? You know how it feels to know that they are so dependent on you to take care of them? And then you hear about how people abuse animals and your heart breaks because you realize those animals are helpless. Take that feeling and multiply it by a thousand more. I know that is  a weird comparison but that’s kind of how I feel. These babies need me to take care of my body so they are healthy and survive. Then I start thinking about what it’s going to be like when they are born. Wow, what a reality check. And to think that anybody can have a child. Eesh!

I’m rambling now but I am just so amazed by being pregnant at this point. Every time they are moving around I feel blessed, full of love and just amazed at the little miracles kicking each other in me. 

20 weeks, half way there.

I can't believe that I'm already 20 weeks, 4 days pregnant. I'm halfway there. I am getting very big and I love my pregnant stomach. Sure, it's hard to bend over, I get out of breath climbing stairs, it takes me awhile to roll out of bed and my back kills..... but I love it.

I started feeling the twins moving about two weeks ago. What an amazing feeling. At first it felt like gas or bubbles. I then realized the bubbles were in the same spot and they were getting stronger. Sometimes it's just Thor moving around, sometimes it's just Twila and sometimes they are kicking each other. (No, we are not naming our children Thor and Twila, my husband has nicknamed them that, I don't know why, and it has stuck.) They are very active after breakfast. It may have something to do with all the sugar - Eggo's, oatmeal and a fruit smoothie. They are also active at night. It's fun to try to imagine what they are doing in there.

We were able to see them again this week for my 20 week ultrasound. It's amazing how much they are growing. My Dr said they look great and all their measurements are right on target.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good. My back hurts my mid day. I also have some numbness down my right thigh. I'm up 20 lbs. and right now it is all stomach. I'm starting to get nervous about the whole delivery thing but I am trying not to think that far.

Here are some new pictures.

"Thor"

"Twila"

Good bye Brett, thank you for the best memories

It's a sad day in Wisconsin. Our Favre has decided to end his football career. I can't imagine how hard of a decision this was for Brett and his family. I knew it was coming at some time, but I will admit, I was shocked this morning. I even had tears run down my face. I have loved watching Favre play football since he appeared in Green Bay in 1992. I have never watched another athlete love a sport as much as he did. He played with a passion that transferred to others on the field. He gave me chills with his miraculous plays. His smile made me smile and his tears made me cry.  I honestly can't imagine Football without him, it's going to be a long 2008-09 season adjusting to his absence. But I respect his decision and wish him the best. Don't forget about us crazy cheeseheads Brett! God bless you and your family.

It's a boy and a girl!

I will give more of an update later but I just wanted to post that my Dr confirmed last week (at 16 weeks) that we are having a boy and a girl. They are doing great! Such an amazing miracle.
I just think this song is so appropriate:

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God

Updates!

The morning of January 14, I had some issues again. (I won't go into detail.) This pregnancy isn’t going to be easy. I called my Dr. and she brought me in right away and everything seemed OK. Given my issues she thought it would be good to see the Perinatologist earlier than waiting until 16 weeks. I was 13 weeks at the time. A Perinatologist is an obstetrical sub-specialist concerned with the care of the mom and baby at higher than normal risk for complication. Being pregnant with twins puts me in the high risk category. They want to monitor the twin’s progress and make sure they are growing properly. My Dr. scheduled us to see him that Wednesday, January 16. We will see the Perinatologist, Dr. Pearcan, every 4 weeks. Jaime came with me to this appointment because I knew that they were going to use high tech equipment and it would be really cool.

The ultrasound was amazing. Both the babies were both moving around like crazy. He measured their arms, legs, stomach and heads. We could see their hearts beating and four chambers! He was even surprised to see what he thought was a penis! He said if he was a betting man he would say it is a boy and a girl. But it’s still early and he hopes to confirm in three weeks. Baby A, who the Dr. thinks is the boy, was rolling around like crazy and Baby B, who he thinks is the girl, was just chilling out but put up her arm and we could see her fingers spread out. Just amazing, what a miracle.

He couldn’t see anything that was causing my spotting and bleeding. So for now I just have to trust that the babies are fine and just keep laying low. I see both Doctors again in 1 1/2 weeks; I'll be 16 weeks.

Overall I have been feeling great. I am in maternity clothes because my stomach has popped. I still have some food aversions which is mainly meat.

Here are two amazing pictures.

Here is the 11 week, 3 day picture

I forgot to post it earlier.
Today I had my 12 week appointment with my Dr. I love her. She gave me this huge binder that the hospital put together for all pregnant couples. It contains info on the hospital, nutrition, classes, labor, caring for newborn, breastfeeding and much more.

She checked for the heartbeats and she could hear two! My uterus is measuring at 16 weeks (larger of course cause I have twins). I gained about 3 1/2 lbs since my first appointment. She reminded me that I need to gain about 20 lbs by 20 weeks. Bring on the custard! I wish there was a Kopps Custard stand downtown. I asked her when I need to take out my belly button ring and she said she'll give it a month. She told me how to take it out - how to pull the ball out and pull back the ring, it was kind of funny. Then she told me she would just take it out for me at the next appointment. I will start ultrasounds in four weeks and have them about every month. They will check to make sure the twins are growing at the same rate.

I'm feeling a little more confident about the pregnancy but I'm still nervous. I'm trying to enjoy being pregnant. Oh, I actually have to go clothes shopping this weekend. My current clothes are getting tight.

Infertility thoughts

Yes, I'm pregnant, does that mean I'm not suffering through infertility anymore? No.

I have been paranoid these past 11 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy. I'm sure every woman has fears related to being pregnant and staying pregnant. But as I laid on the ultrasound table on Thursday with tears in my eyes I told the tech, "it took us 2 1/2 years to get this far, I can't be loosing these babies now and do it all over again." (That's another story I'll tell in a bit.)

I've spent the last year on The Nest and their Trouble Trying to Conceive Board. This chat board helped get me through my fears and questions regarding infertility. The women on that board are some of the strongest women I have ever "met" in my life. The Nest also has other boards for those of us who are pregnant - 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimesters boards, multiples boards and they have recently created a success after IF (Infertility) board. I have been visiting the 1st trimester board and of course the success after IF board. You may think there isn't much of a difference, but really, there is a big difference. It's not bad, but I don't feel like I belong on the 1st trimester board. There are some women on there who don't want to be pregnant, some who it took only 1 month to get pregnant and some who don't want to have any pregnancy symptoms. I WANT THE PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS! I want to puke, I want to cry, I want my boobs to hurt. And I know a lot of my fellow success after IF women feel the same way. Yes, call us crazy. But then again most of us spent our savings and injected ourselves with needles for months just to get pregnant.

Infertility will stay with me forever. And I'm OK with that. I will always visit the T-TTC board on The Nest and answer questions and give as much support to those wonderful women. I will continue to help fight insurance companies on their lack of coverage of infertility treatments and I hope to continue to create awareness of infertility. I will continue to live in fear throughout this pregnancy until I see my miracle babies. And every time I look at them I will be reminded of our journey.

Regarding my ultra sound episode on Thursday, no that was not scheduled. We had another scare. I won't get into details but I had to rush to the hospital on Thursday afternoon to get an ultrasound. The babies are fine, measuring 12 weeks and hearts beating away. Baby A even decided to wave at me. It looks like I still have some cysts and I just have to take it easy. I'll post another picture of the babies. I can't believe how big they have grown in just a week.

Happy New Year, bring on 2008

We can't believe it's 2008 already. Even though this year was tough on us with our infertility journey, it really did seem to fly by. We have so much to be thankful for from this past year.

I took on more responsibilities at my job and accomplished a lot that I can be proud of. Our department has expanded and we finally have clear goals. I enjoy working with my team and I'm excited to tackle my personal goals for 2008. 2007 ended with a good review and I'm ready to build off of that.

We both got more involved with our church in music, sports and with the youth. We have met many wonderful people and are starting to build relationships with them. We love our church and feel so blessed to be part of a great congregation.

My father in law was diagnosed with bladder cancer two years ago and this October he has been clear of cancer for two years! This is a big milestone for the type of cancer he had. We were obviously thrilled when we got the news. His cancer screens now go from every three months to every six months.

We enjoyed a great summer full of trips to Washington Island, camping, volleyball, Jazz in the Park, Summerfest, State Fair, Brewer games, Gufs/BoDeans Concert, Toby Keith concert, long walks at night along the lakefront, trips to the farmers market, Riversplash, and much more.

I was able to take a trip out to the east coast to see my dad who is currently in Maine his job. My mom was there too and we had a blast! I was able to go whale watching and capture many great pictures with my new camera.

Even though we struggled with infertility this year, the entire process really brought us closer to each other. We learned about about the world of infertility and I took on the job of informing many others about it and the flaws of insurance.

We met Oprah.

We are finally pregnant. I honestly can say that I never thought I would be pregnant. Not only are we pregnant we are having twins. It's hard to believe that in January we were seriously doubting if we could have one baby and now we are blessed with two. We still have a long road ahead of us but we feel we have gotten through so much in this year.

Happy New Year to all! I hope you have a great 2008.

We saw our babies yesterday

I thought it was stressful trying to get pregnant. I am just as stressed being pregnant! Some of this is probably too much info but it's part of pregnancy. I started spotting on Christmas Day (Second time since we found out I am pregnant. First time was from first ultrasound and everything was OK). I pretty much was in a panic all day. Then it stopped at night. But I got up at 3 am to go to bathroom and it started again but worse. I sat up all night freaking out. I called my Dr. right at 9 am and they had me come in. She said my cervix was still closed but she can't tell where it was coming from. So she sent me in for an ultrasound. I was so relieved to know I was going to see what was really going on.

We have 4 arms, 4 legs, two heartbeats going at 171 and they are both measuring exactly 10 weeks 4 days. (I'm 10 weeks 3 days). Twin A was doing flips. The Dr doing the ultrasound said I have about 4 - 5 cysts and it looks like one ruptured and that is what is probably bleeding. He could see fluid right by one of them. He said they won't harm babies but I may experience some pain and more spotting/bleeding. I feel so much better. So freaking cool to see them big and moving around. Call me paranoid mother already.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all!

We're hanging in there

First of all I must say - GO PACKERS!! 12-2 baby and the Cowboys lost too. What a year, we never thought we would be 12-2. Don't you love how I say "we" when I talk about Packers?

The snow must stop. If you don't know this already, I hate snow. HATE. Despise. I know, I know, I am in the wrong state and yes I grew up here. I have never liked it and never will. The advantage of living in a condo is that I do not have to shovel. I have huge icicles hanging off my window that could kill someone if they fell. I thank God for my four wheel drive. I will never go back as long as I live in WI. Oh, and can we talk about how cold it is?

We've been busy getting ready for Christmas. I can't believe Christmas Eve is a week away. The tree is up, most of the presents are purchased, Christmas music is being played in our house and cars. But as our Pastor pointed out today, the most important reason why we celebrate Christmas is easily forgotten during all the craziness - the birth of our Savior.

As for the twins? I think they are doing good. I wish I could have an ultra sound ever week to make sure they are OK. I'm trying be patient as we wait for our next Dr appointment on January 9th. We hope to actually hear the heartbeats at that appointment. It's so hard to stay calm and positive. I think so many years of failure makes it hard to be excited and positive. I'm taking care of myself and trying to place my faith in God. It doesn't help that I have always been a worrier.

Have a great week and stay warm!

Picture of the babies

I promised I would post a picture of the ultrasound.

We are doing good. I'm 7 weeks and 3 days today. Still cautious, nervous, excited and scared. I have my first OB appointment tomorrow.

We are pregnant!................With twins!!

Sorry for not giving an update sooner. I just wanted to feel a little more confident with our confirmed pregnancy.
Monday, November 12 was my first blood test. I had cramps all weekend and I was sure I was not pregnant. My plans for that Monday night were to go for a long run and drink some wine. But the nurse called and said, "congratulations, you are pregnant." I think my response was "huh?" My beta (for those who are familiar with those numbers) was 155. Shocked, complete shock. We were 4 weeks. I had to get another blood test on Thursday, November 15. Those numbers had to double, which they did to 750. I didn't have any symptoms except that I was beyond bloated. We were excited to finally know that we could get pregnant, but we were staying very cautious. We told close family members and friends who knew our IVF schedule but told them to not get so excited yet, it's still very early.
Yesterday was probably one of the most amazing days of my life. We went down to Gurnee for our ultrasound. Dr. Sherbahn performed the ultrasound and Dr. Jain was in there too. We saw a pregnancy sack right away and Dr. Sherbahn focused in on it more and there was this little baby and he said, "there's the heartbeat." It was so clear. I started to cry. Then he said, "lets look to see if there is another." I was thinking it would have been visible right away if there were two. "There is the other pregnancy sack" he said "and there is another heartbeat." Wow. I was squeezing Jaime's hand so hard. Then Dr. Sherbahn said, "Twins are OK, right?" We both laughed and said of course, we feel so blessed.
He went back and measured each of them and they were measuring perfect. I was 6 weeks and 4 days yesterday and they were measuring 6 weeks and 3 days which according to Dr. Sherbahn is perfect. We got to see the heartbeats again and they took some pictures.
We said goodbye to all the Doctors and nurses and that was sad! We really loved every single person in that clinic. I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertilityand lives in the area. It was worth the hour drive and we would have drove more.
It is still early. I'm only 6 weeks and 5 days. We are excited but still very cautious. We are just going to take one day at a time.
We are just so thrilled to know that we can actually get pregnant, we have never been this far in the 2 1/2 years that we have been trying.
I will post a picture of our BABIES once I scan them.
Thank you again for stopping by and posting such wonderful comments.

A little late, but better than never

Happy Thanksgiving. It's been a long year for us but I do have a lot to be thankful for.
1. My husband. He has been my strength and best friend through this year. I don't know what I would do without him.
2. My family. It's been hard not having our dad around this year but we have pulled together and gotten each other through this year. We had reasons to laugh and cry and we have been there for each other through it all.
3. My in-laws. They have always welcomed me into their family and I have always felt part of the group.
4. My cat. She's been with me for ten years and she is my babe. She sits by me when I cry, she makes me laugh, she snuggles at night and has learned to talk back to me.
5. My girlfriends. I love them dearly. Everyday I can expect to laugh from their emails. They have been the most supportive group of ladies.
6. My new ifriends. Funny who you can "meet" on the Internet.
7. Our condo. Such a blessing to have a wonderful place to live and be so close to work.
8. My job. I have accomplished a lot this year and I'm still learning. I am looking forward to a new year and a new group of co-workers.
9. Our church. We have gotten more involved with music and the youth and have had the opportunity to meet more people and establish wonderful relationships. We are so privileged to have a wonderful Pastor and caring staff.
10. Washington Island. My in-laws have a house up there and we get to go up there for our little vacations during the summer. It's always a relaxing and fun time.
11. The Packers. 10-1 baby!
12. Reruns of friends.
13. A good glass of red wine.
14. A long run along the lakefront.
15. Jazz in the Park.
16. Summer

Happy Turkey Day! I hope you had time to reflect what you were thankful for and had plenty of pumpkin pie.

We will know next week

But I probably won't post any results right away. I want to give us time to take everything in and either be sad or happy. I also want to have time to inform family of either result.

But I will post a result at some point when I feel comfortable. Sorry!

I'm trying to be positive.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts, comments and prayers. It really means so much to us.

The most beautiful picture

Those are our embryos. Three of them. Wow, isn't it amazing? Isn't science amazing? Isn't God amazing?
The two on top were higher quality so we transferred those. The third may continue to grow and if it does, we hope to freeze it.

Everything went smooth today.

We are truly blessed by all of you who have been thinking of us, praying for us and posting comments and sending notes.

Now I relax.

I pray this cycle works. If it doesn't we at least know we have two more chances, my eggs are good, we can fertilize and we can get embryos. This is very good news for us.

Update

The egg retrieval went good. We got there at 10 am and they took us to our own room. They started prepping me right away. The bad part was once the IV needle was in I became faint and they had to lower my bed which helped. Once I got in the procedure room things happened fast. The nurses, doctors and medical assistants were efficient, personable and very informative. They got me in the bed, gave me oxygen, put me in these crazy stir-ups (not your typical stir-ups) and then started the drugs. The good, sweet, wonderful drugs. I was conscious but sedated. The doctors came in and I started talking football to one of them and then I don't remember much. I felt two little pinches as he was puncturing the wall to get to the eggs. That is all I remember. I was back in my room with Jaime in no time. I was so drugged up, my blood pressure was as low as 87/43. They nurses checked on me every 5 minutes. Dr. Sherbahn came in to report they got 6 eggs; not bad, not great but good. The nurses had to give us our finally instructions and we were on our way home. I was a little nauseous on the way home but once I got on my couch I started feeling better, just some slight cramps.

Today was got the fertilization report. Of the 6 eggs, 5 were good and they were able to ICSI the five (inject sperm directly into the egg) and 4 fertilized. Tentative embryo transfer set is set for Thursday.

I'm happy and sad. I'm happy to know I have good eggs. I'm happy to know that my eggs and his sperm can fertilize. But I'm sad that we are doing a three day transfer vs. a five day transfer. Usually a five day transfer has higher success rates. I'm also sad that we only got 6 eggs. Some women can get 20 or 30! But it's all numbers and it can get very overwhelming. I have to just stop thinking about it and continue to do what I can do to make this work. I have to let go, and trust the doctors and God.

So my feelings today were:

• Great! They fertilized 4 eggs.
• Only 4?
• Why can't I get pregnant, I'm healthy, I take care of my body, I want a baby. I'm sick of people around me getting pregnant that aren't even planning it!
• OK, at least we know my eggs are good.
• We do have two more chances if this doesn't work.
• God is in control.
• I can't believe I have to get a 1 1/2 inch needle shoved into my rear tonight.
• Wow, right now down in Gurnee, IL our babies are being created in a dish. Our babies. A piece of me and Jaime.
  
• Just pray hard for strong embryos.

I'll let you know tomorrow how bad that progesterone shot really is. Ugh.

Bravelle, Menopur and Ganirelix Oh My!

What is that you ask? The names of the drugs that have taken over my body this past week. Bravelle is a highly purified preparation of human follicle stimulating hormone (hFSH). Menopur is a highly purified preparation of naturally derived gonadotropins, called hMG. It contains equal amounts of 2 kinds of hormonal activity: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which helps stimulate egg production; and luteinizing hormone (LH), which helps the eggs mature and release (ovulate). And finally, Ganirelix is used to suppress premature luteinizing hormone (LH) surges. This prevents eggs from being released prematurely.

This is a picture of how we prepared every morning and evening for the drugs.













Here is a picture of all those drugs that we have used.













The good news is that our egg retrieval (click on egg retrieval for a description of procedure) is scheduled for tomorrow morning. This means I have responded well to all the drugs. I'm nervous and excited. I would really like to see 8-10 eggs. They also need to be mature and of high quality. Hopefully we'll get a great fertilization report. The embryo transplant will take place 3-5 days after the egg retrieval. During this time I will need to start taking progesterone, by injection, which a hormone that is naturally produced in the ovaries It will help to prepare and thicken the lining of the uterus for the implantation of a fertilized egg. Progesterone is necessary to support and maintain a pregnancy should conception occur. The injections goes in my butt, the needle is 1 1/2 inches long. And the entire needle must go into my muscle. People, I don't do needles. This has been hard enough. Do you know how big that needle is?














That is big! I'm really freaked by that injection, and there is more than one. Trying so hard to stay positive. I'll update you when I find out how many eggs we get. Thank you for all your support, comments, prayers and for reading!