Saturday, January 05, 2008

Infertility thoughts

Yes, I'm pregnant, does that mean I'm not suffering through infertility anymore? No.

I have been paranoid these past 11 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy. I'm sure every woman has fears related to being pregnant and staying pregnant. But as I laid on the ultrasound table on Thursday with tears in my eyes I told the tech, "it took us 2 1/2 years to get this far, I can't be loosing these babies now and do it all over again." (That's another story I'll tell in a bit.)

I've spent the last year on The Nest and their Trouble Trying to Conceive Board. This chat board helped get me through my fears and questions regarding infertility. The women on that board are some of the strongest women I have ever "met" in my life. The Nest also has other boards for those of us who are pregnant - 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimesters boards, multiples boards and they have recently created a success after IF (Infertility) board. I have been visiting the 1st trimester board and of course the success after IF board. You may think there isn't much of a difference, but really, there is a big difference. It's not bad, but I don't feel like I belong on the 1st trimester board. There are some women on there who don't want to be pregnant, some who it took only 1 month to get pregnant and some who don't want to have any pregnancy symptoms. I WANT THE PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS! I want to puke, I want to cry, I want my boobs to hurt. And I know a lot of my fellow success after IF women feel the same way. Yes, call us crazy. But then again most of us spent our savings and injected ourselves with needles for months just to get pregnant.

Infertility will stay with me forever. And I'm OK with that. I will always visit the T-TTC board on The Nest and answer questions and give as much support to those wonderful women. I will continue to help fight insurance companies on their lack of coverage of infertility treatments and I hope to continue to create awareness of infertility. I will continue to live in fear throughout this pregnancy until I see my miracle babies. And every time I look at them I will be reminded of our journey.

Regarding my ultra sound episode on Thursday, no that was not scheduled. We had another scare. I won't get into details but I had to rush to the hospital on Thursday afternoon to get an ultrasound. The babies are fine, measuring 12 weeks and hearts beating away. Baby A even decided to wave at me. It looks like I still have some cysts and I just have to take it easy. I'll post another picture of the babies. I can't believe how big they have grown in just a week.


emmay said...

Big hugs to you. I know all too well your fear. After a miscarriage and a year TTC after that, followed by a daughter born at 28 weeks, my pregnancies were all about fear. And many first trimester scares. There isn't really anything I can say. But I know that feeling. It can make for a long pregnancy if you let it consume you (easier said than done, I know!). I'm glad all i well with the babies.

Jess P said...

Tracey, you are such an amazing and strong woman for what you've been through. I'll keep praying for you and the babies!

I sort of understand what you mean about wanting symptoms. When I was sick during my pregnancy with AK, everytime I had my head in the toilet I would remind myself that this was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. It helped keep me grateful for the blessings I've been given rather than be miserable all the time.

ptg said...

You and J are so strong, and I keep you both in my prayers every day. I'm so sorry you had another scare, but I'm glad you got to see them and make sure both are okay. :o)

I also had a relatively uneventful pregnany, and I kept wondering if everything is ok. (Nothing like what you've gone through though!) Everyone goes through it to some extent, and it's perfectly normal, so I know what you mean.

Your journey has been so long, but I'm glad to hear that things are still positive and you're keeping a positive outlook.

Lynnette said...

Tracey, I'm sorry about the scare. I was petrified my entire twin pregnancy. Now we're planning their 1st birthday. It hardly seems possible. Here is a link to another message board you may want to look into. Check out the IVF board, and if you like it, register a username and check out the "log-in required" Pregnant after IVF board link at the top. You may also like There are all kinds of IF specific boards there. You could find people in your city, people PG with twins after IF, even people who went to your clinic. Good luck. I'm so happy to hear you're doing well.

Sarah said...

I'm sorry you had another scare. I can't imagine how tough this must be for you. But you are SO strong and will always be stronger for it...and your children will be strong because of you. Hang in there!

MWGirl said...

My thoughts are with you and your husband.

I'm glad things are OK.

Hang in there, stay strong!

Anonymous said...

I also have a hx of infertility and gave birth to twin boys via IVF 2.5 years ago (get ready it changes your life!:)) but I highly recommend, its such a great supportive web site and have lots of message boards for everything from first trimester to pregnant with twins. It helped me so much. And get used to being worried, it comes with being a mom. It will never end, even after they are born. :) But try to relax as much as you can because unfortunately its all out of your hands now...try and enjoy as best you can. Cath

supergal said...

i came across your blog while looking at infertility blogs. I suffer from endo in additon to the male factor.So without having to try natural for long,we were just bumped onto the IVF bandwagon due to our med history. Your blog gives me hope!!.Hope that i need. add to that Insr companies are not very helpful too.I am already getting annoyed having to call them and verifying coverage for every tiny thing.The doctors office leaves it upto the patients to find that out.Already you are in pain and then insr coverage agony. Please write to me about any tips or lessons you learnt at lynchbaby at gmail dot com

Anonymous said...

Hi Tracey,
I was hoping to get some advice from you, My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for 3-4 years now. She has just started a fertility pill and is going to be going in for IUI(I hope that I am saying this right. Anyways, as time is marching on she is slipping into a depression and I am really concerned for her. She loves kids but can not seem to enjoy being around them without them reminding her of what she does not have. I have two kids and I am sorry that I had no problems with conception. This has been a really hard road for her and as her friend I of course would like to help...but she shuts me down saying that there is no possible way that I could understand. I feel so hurt....I feel like I have walked this road with her and I can feel her pain, I've prayed, cried, pleaded and begged with her to God. What it boils down to is how can I be a good friend to her during this time. The way I veiw it is not everyone in life will have the same experiances but if you take even a moment to walk in their can feel the emotions so much so that it effects you as if it is happening to you. That is why we cry in movies or laugh when someone is telling a funny story about their life....its because for even if its just for one understand and you can see things from their angle. How can I be a friend? Am I wrong? Can I truely not comprehend?