1. Labor - I know, labor is part of the whole having a baby thing and woman are doing it all the time. That doesn't matter, I'm still scared. As of now we have a c-section scheduled and I know, things could change. Bur right now I'm scared of the spinal; I'm scared of the thought of being awake during surgery; I'm scared of being cut in open and getting stapled back together; I'm also freaked about the recovery.
2. Feeding the babies - I want to breastfeed, that is the goal, but I have no clue what I'm doing. You can only read so much without becoming so overwhelmed. So many directions, so many opinions, so many different ways to do it. And twins? Will I be able to keep up? Should I feed them at the same time? Maybe I should pump at night? Will they get enough food?
3. Getting my body back - I have gained over 50 lbs. I saw pictures of my legs this weekend. Are you serious? Those aren't my legs. I know some of it is contributed to being swollen but I have never seen my legs that big. I feel out of shape and I'm constantly out of breath. Again, I know, most of this is contributed to the babies. If I have the c-section, it will take me 6-8 weeks to recover. I would kill to go for a run right now. And I know that may not happen until mid-August.
4. My life - Yep, it's going to change. We knew this when we decided we wanted to have kids. But now I'm scared. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my raging hormones right now. For 35 years I've been responsible for myself and the past 10 years my cat. I've been able to do what I want and when I want. Now two little babies are going to depend on me/us. All my decisions will be based on raising those two and doing it right. I can't just go to Jazz every Thursday. I have to make sure we have enough money for baby food and diapers. Sports and hobbies will be put on the side and picked up when we have time. And so on. This is a new chapter and while I'm so excited to start it I'm also scared of the changes.
5. My relationship with my husband - I've heard great stories and I've heard nightmares. I am fully confident in our relationship. We are completely in love and have endured so much to get where we are today. I know we will be able to handle this together as a team. But I'm scared of how awesome things have been. I fear that he won't see me as being pretty and cute anymore. I'm afraid we won't have time for ourselves. I'm scared of loosing his attention. Wow, that sounded very selfish.
6. Taking care of the babies - So much to worry about. So much to think about. Feeding them is just half of the whole picture. There is so much to worry about:
- BPA free bottles
- The cat
- Are they too hot? Too cold?
- Why are they crying?
- Are they sick?
- When do I switch to milk?
- What about food?
- Are they strapped in the car properly?
- Is the stroller safe enough?
I know this is a natural fear in most women. But I'm still scared.
As you can see, I've hit the panic button. I've also cried out of fear. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the hormones but I'm still scared. Have I said this enough? My freak out stage caused me to spend too much money this weekend. I started throwing different baby items in my cart. I cried when I realized I didn't even have diaper cream and breast pads. The husband was not happy with my shopping spree.