Thursday, July 31, 2008

It's hard

I am so in love with my children. Anna and Luke are the most adorable babies I have ever seen. But I am not going to lie to you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Just when I think I have them figured out and on a schedule, they surprise me. Overall they are very good babies but when they are both screaming at 3 am and nothing will stop them from screaming I want to cry, and I do cry. 
Maybe I'm trying too hard to keep them on a schedule and making sure they are sleeping in their cribs and eating over 4 oz. Maybe I'm expecting too much out of them. But I'm trying to do it right. 
People ask me if I'm getting sleep. I am, but the schedule is hard to get use to. Jaime gets home at 5 pm and takes over. I go to bed at 6 pm and sleep until midnight. Then he goes to bed and I take over, from midnight until 6 pm that night. It works, but it's lonely during the night shift. My very loyal cat hangs out with me but when Anna screams, she runs and hides. I would too if I could. 
I have been getting a lot of help from my mom and mother in law - Thank you! But I haven't been good at just getting out and leaving the babies. I feel like I need to stay with them. When they are sleeping or being held by someone else I am cleaning, taking a shower or I just sit and try to catch my breath.
Yesterday I finally just left. My mother in law and cousin were over and the babies were kinda sleeping. I got on my running shoes and grabbed my ipod and went for a run. That's right, I went for a run. I haven't run since we started IVF which was almost a year ago. It was a slow run but it was wonderful. I actually went for about 30 minutes. It was hard to get use to the jiggling going on in my stomach. Hopefully my Dr. isn't reading this because I haven't been released to run yet. It's only been 5 weeks. I will make sure I get out again soon. 
My emotions and hormones have been getting the best of me. Some days I'm fine, other days I'm a mess. I know that is normal and I am trying my best to keep them in check. One thing I'm trying to work on is socializing. I really don't have any desire to leave or see other people. I only want to be around my mom. This is very weird for me. I love to socialize and be around other people. Right now I just want my mommy. I don't know why I feel like this. I love my family and friends but I just feel comfortable being at home taking care of Anna and Luke. My mom has been getting me out for walks which has been helping. We also had lunch at Alterra and the Milwaukee Ale House. That was nice. It's all about baby steps. 
Overall things are going good. Anna and Luke are now 5 weeks old and are very healthy. And it looks like they are ready to eat again. I'll post some more pictures soon.


Sara said...

I could have written this post word for word. Mine are also 5 weeks and it seems like they have decided to gang up on me a little. I bet it is lonely to go to bed that early but at least you are getting a big chunk of sleep. I can't say that I am so I am a zombie it seems. Hang in there! Page me on the board if you need encouragement. They say it gets better.

Smokin' Hot Mama! said...

My daughter is quickly approaching the one year mark. I promise you, it WILL get better! You're in survival mode now. Just keep telling yourself that it will get easier, it will get more fun, it will get better!

Congrats on the twins!

Sarah said...

I know that a lot of people (me included) will tell you that it gets better. But I will also happily tell you that it is ridiculously hard and that it SUCKS...not in the kind of way that any woman feels like they are allowed to say or feel, but it does anyway. The 4-6 month time span was when things magically got better for me. And for what it's worth, the Amazing Miracle Blanket really does live up to it's name!

Meg said...

Long time lurker here, first time I've left a comment. I felt compelled to comment this time because your words are EXACTLY how I felt after coming home with my son last October.

Whenever he was being held by someone else or was sleeping, I felt like I was being timed to see how much I could do in that time: clean, shower, whatever. I was never close with my mother in my 30 years, but after I had Joey, I wanted my mom near me at all times. If she wasn't with me, I was calling her at work. She spent every night at my house for about a week. The weird thing is, I still did everything for the baby while she was there, but I just wanted her close for reassurance. My poor husband didn't know what to think.

I nursed Joey (up until last week!) and I felt like I could never leave him, even though I wanted to. Then I felt guilty for just wanting to! Oy!

I was also very weapy. About a week after being discharged from the hospital (I was there for 4 days due to a c-section), I really couldn't control my tears. I went to my obgyn and they diagnosed me with PPD and perscribed some meds. It really got the crying under control but I was still anxious all the time. But I can only say, it really will get better.

I also tried getting Joey on a "schedule" using the Babywise philosophy starting at three weeks. He could not "cry it out" and it was torture for both of us. However, we tried it again at 5 months and it worked like a charm. But the first few weeks of trying to maintain a schedule were not easy. In the end, I took some advice from the books and just winged the rest. I questioned every decision I made, no matter how small. However, in the end I went with my instincts and that has worked for us. It will work for you too. It sounds cliche but mother's intuition is a powerful thing!

About the time he turned three months, things really started to change. It was like the sun started coming out. He smiled back at me, fussed less and truly developed into a little person. He's now 9.5 months old and I have to tell you, I love love love every minute with him...even when he's cranky.

Motherhood is such a wonderful gift but it is such a huge adjustment. Before you know it, things will be so wonderful. Hang in there abd just know that you are a wonderful mother. Luke and Anna are so lucky to have you.

-Megan from Rochester, NY

Anonymous said...

Greetings from a fellow Sherbahner. We have three children, 2 pregnancies, from him!

Hang in there! With our twins, I remember not going to sleep until 4:00/5:00 a.m. every morning. I was up the entire night - as soon as I got one fed, the other one was hungry, I pumped, and then the first baby was up again. I did get caught up on all my sitcom reruns - Friends, Whos's the Boss, Raymond....

I remember the babies crying, and I cried too! There were times I called my husband down in the middle of the night because I just needed a break. Of course, they'd quiet when he held them so I think they could sense my tension.

I didn't worry too much about the schedule and they naturally found a pattern after a little while and they were pretty much on the same one. I bet you'll notice an improvement in the next three/four weeks.

I also remember not wanting to leave my children - after both births. I can recall a panicked feeling in my stomach when I would peel myself away. I did notice that eases once I stopped breastfeeding - so I'm not sure if that's a hormonal thing.

Hang in there. A fellow twin mom can certainly sympathize with how you're feeling and what your experiencing. I now know how tough it was as our third child was such a breeze compared to the twins.

Never question how well you are doing - all those two need is your unconditional love and that is what makes you a great mom!

Danica said...

I'm just here to ((((hug)))) you. And although I can't give you a personal point of view, I do know that several of my friends have described exactly what you wrote. You're normal, you're a MOM! Just know that there are a gaggle of friends and family out there that are ready to help whenever you are ready. Love you Tracey!

Jenn said...

The best is yet to come =) Really you are going through the bsolute hardest part now. In a couple of weeks it will get easier.

The best is yet to come.


Linda said...

The time that you're going through now is so tough with the babies. It's SO great that you got out. I didn't do that for way too long and it's so important. It's great you're able to get that good bit of sleep. I know the nights can be long. Hang in there and know that it WILL get better eventually. I never thought it would and it has!

Britta said...


Michelle M said...

it's hard and it sucks and you are tired and stressed and mentally exhausted but I promise you there will come a day when you wish that you could be awake with them at 3 am and just having them laying on your chest and just be content in the moment. Try to cherish it and just know that it will get better and you have a ton of friends just waiting to jump in and help.
We love you

Michelle Leigh said...

I, like Meg (fellow lurker), was diagnosed with PPD after my second baby was born. I was crying a lot and had a lot of anxiety and loneliness as the sun set. I found help in my OB, she was a godsend and I thank GOD every day that I had such a wonderful doctor. My form of PPD was diagnosed as more of a difficulty adjusting to the post partum period. It wasn't full blown PPD. Just realizing I needed help, and getting it made a world of difference. Maybe you don't need the anti-depressants, but it may help to talk to your ob, he/she has seen so much of this.

Having two little babies is a tough job (I have a 1 year old and a newborn) and it does get easier and a heck of a lot more fun. That first smile from them will make your day (or night). Just hang in there and know that so many of us have been there and have survived!

PS I went running 4 weeks after my last was born and if felt great. I never told my doc though, she would have been mad! Good for you though, just don't push yourself too far.

Valerie said...

You sound like me. I totally agree, it's rough. I'm working the night shift right now and while Marshall is sleeping next to me I want to get up and start cleaning!

Your babes are precious.

Erin said...

Also a lurker ... I only have one, so I can't imagine the stress you're under with two (congrats, by the way -- they're adorable!). But I CAN tell you I know exactly what you're saying. The first couple of months SUCKED. Hard.

Mine's only three months old, but I've already learned it helps just to admit it's so. Freaking. Hard. It's just not how I thought it would be. Etc.

And nothing is more maddening than not being able to calm your crying baby. Mine had colic. I know this.

Hang in there.

I hear these baby things evolve into real people. Likeable people, at that.